Dragging Therapeutic Language Into the Burning Light

The Helm

Welcome to the ship.

Do you have any stowaways that would cause your vessel to go derelict? At first, you’ve got a whole crew. Everything’s running smoothly. Next thing you know, one by one, compromise happens. Your crew starts falling overboard or succumbing to fates by unknown hands. A great evil has snuck on board and you’re not quite sure how it got there.

Other than me loving to draw parallels with the 2023 film I recently rewatched, The Last Voyage of the Demeter, what has slipped aboard your crew and lurks in the shadows of helpfulness to cause a subtle drift?

This is going to be a longer post than usual. The motivation to write it came out of my own desire to work out some clarity to therapeutic language. Social media is a rocky shoal of terms like narcissist, passive aggressive, manipulator, gaslighting, abuse, and more. Understandably, these words evoke a strong reaction because of how they make us feel when we experience them. In my efforts to explore this, which is far deeper than just this post, I also want to learn how to deal with these kinds of behaviors when I experience them. Or worse, when I engage in them. Murky terms and euphemisms do not make for reliable charts or clear skies to navigate these shoal addled waters of our lives.

My goal is for none of us to become derelict.

We stay on course and clear of the rocks by not drifting.

If you haven’t noticed, we don’t tend to drift into righteous living or holy faith. Our helm needs us attentive.

What is a captain without his spyglass? Let’s put some shine on it together.

Clash of Tides

I don’t know if it’s just me but I see the word narcissist everywhere. It could be the algorithm picking up the few times I’ve clicked on videos, but I think it’s more than that. Friends post about narcissism and abuse, too. Usually a couple intentional clicks and lingering watches on disc golf reels is enough to change up the feed. Narcissist videos keep coming like a siege engine.

I’ve seen a lot of pushback on therapeutic language. On the flip side, Ryan Frederick wrote an excellent chapter about manipulation in his book How a Husband Speaks. (Maybe some of you follow Fierce Marriage on socials?) I don’t think a complete dismissal is called for but rather thinking about these things in their proper category is beneficial.

This recent post by C.R. Wiley amazed me in a time where amazement is few and far between. In the age of AI that leverages terms like the ones we’re discussing today, it’s all the more important to have a solid foundation on Scripture.

Why this stands out to me is I recently completed a Mental Heath First Aid workshop, which gives me a certification for three years. This does not make me an expert in mental health. It’s the equivalent of training to put on a Band-Aid, maybe even be able to slow down a crisis event, until the individual can get to the right person for help. Beyond the training, I’m also extrapolating that someone who is close to someone with mental health struggles will likely experience collateral damage to their own mental health. Unless at least one person has their footing on solid ground, everyone’s going to get sucked into the quicksand in a feedback loop. I suspect that using murky therapeutic language may keep us stuck to where we cannot actually deal with sin and fallout in a biblical, God glorifying way. It may be worse than stuck. The stowaway of therapeutic language has found its way into our daily lives. Now that it’s here, the language may keep us in bondage to darker things that would delight in never seeing us free of the shackles. Or worse, serve us up to their ravenous appetites.

I mean, how does one use the wisdom of Scripture to deal with a narcissist? How does one go to the pages of God’s Word to clear the fog that’s been laid by gaslighting and bring someone back to reality? You’ve got to call a spade a spade.

Don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m not denying the reality of manipulative behaviors. I’m not denying narcissism, or gaslighting, or flipping the script, or any of those things. The value in these words is they help us identify there is something lurking in the shadows. What I’m saying is that by not dealing with them in biblical categories, we allow them to remain in the shadows. We may be able to identify there is anWe may be able to identify. There is a vampire lurking on the ship, but these terms do not have the adequate power to fully bring that monster into the life giving light of God. Advocates want to see accountability, do they not? Until the vampires of sin see the sunrise and are consumed in holy fire, they’ll lurk in the shadows of murky language and continue to claim victims. If we become disciples of murky language, do we then become unwitting accomplices to the dark forces we’re attempting to fight against? One cannot dispatch vampires by axes and bullets. It takes crosses and holy water and garlic. It takes repentance. Before I get lost too deep in my own metaphors, let me say it clearly: you have to use the right weapons.

This is going to take effort. We’re not going to get there by mistake. Our ship’s need our focus and attention. We can’t afford to take our hands off the helm. D.A. Carson offers great insight here.

Before I am tempted to take another lap around the deck of the Demeter, let’s take a look at some common terms in therapeutic language with definitions of the terms. Then, I’ll shed some light on them from Scripture.

I feel even more justified in my calling these behaviors murky language after my attempt at researching clear and concise definitions for them. Tons of words with little clarity. To cut through the clutter of results, I ended up asking ChatGPT. I don’t use AI often here (other than for images on each post), but when I do I like to be up front about it. Everything AI (in this case, ChatGPT) wrote for me, I am coloring with green text.

As a disclaimer, I am trained as an automotive mechanic. I have been a Christian following Christ and studying the Bible for over 20 years. I like to write this mythical newsletter. Whether it’s me, someone in your personal circle, or an online influencer, test everything. I wouldn’t be writing anything here I didn’t believe was true, but by all means put it to the test. I’m also not saying these things don’t exist. I’m saying that without dealing with them in biblical categories, they’re difficult if not impossible to deal with. They stay shrouded and don’t come fully into the light. The idea is that we understand modern words through the timeless Word of God.

Ok, nuances made. Here we go.

Manipulation: Steering another person’s thoughts, emotions, or actions for one’s own benefit through deceit, pressure, or hidden motives rather than honest communication.

Manipulation reframed as a biblical category is deception, lying, and deceitfulness. At the heart of manipulation is not a giving up oneself for another but giving up another for oneself. Philippians 2:3-4 says “doing nothing from selfish ambition or vain glory, but with humility of mind regarding one another as more important than yourselves, not merely looking out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” Pretty much every other item on this post is going to constitute as some form of deceitful way of trying to turn something to one’s own self-centered favor.

Abuse: The misuse of power, position, or strength to harm, control, or exploit another person, whether through words, actions, or neglect.

Abuse reframed as a biblical category is violence, injustice, cruelty. Abuse is an elevated form of manipulation that is directly tied to intimidation. It’s also downstream of a lack of self-control, where anger manifests into wrath. On the neglect side, think of Harry Potter being forced to live under the stairs and, maybe even worse, the grossly unbalanced preferential treatment of Dudley Dursley. Abuse has come under serious fire as the goal posts of definitions have moved to include words and silence as violence. I don’t want to dismiss anything horrible someone may have said to you. People can be awful and genuine abuse happens; however, someone saying something you didn’t like doesn’t account for abuse. There isn’t any patience or kindness in abuse. Colossians 3:8 says “But now you also, lay them all aside: wrath, anger, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.”

Passive-aggressive behavior: Expressing anger, resistance, or resentment indirectly through procrastination, sarcasm, stubbornness, or subtle sabotage instead of addressing issues openly.

Passive-aggressive behavior reframed as a biblical category is bitterness, anger, hatred, unforgiveness, resentment. This form of manipulation is mind-bending because of the misdirection involved. The offender never really knows what the problem is and couldn’t address it even if he was willing to. Ephesians 4: 31-32 says as a new creation in Christ, we are to Let all bitterness and anger and wrath and shouting and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Instead, be kind to one another, tender-hearted, graciously forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has graciously forgiven you. When this bitterness boils over and turns into wrath, that’s aggressive behavior. It’s outward and direct. When behavior becomes passive-aggressive, the aggression becomes indirect. It’s when someone doesn’t like what you’ve done or said and instead of talking to you about it, they take it out on you in other ways like not responding to your texts, or avoiding you, or purposefully avoiding a request. Leviticus 19:17 says “You must not harbor hatred against your brother. Rebuke your neighbor directly, and you will not incur guilt because of him.” Passive-aggressiveness is unforgiveness that is given safe harbor deep in the heart and refuses to address an offense while insisting on remaining a victim of it.

Narcissism: An excessive and self-centered focus on one’s own importance, desires, and image, often at the expense of truth, humility, and care for others.

Narcissism reframed as a biblical category is conceit, pride, and selfish ambition. Arrogant, deceptive, and lovers of pleasure instead of lovers of God could also be part of the reframe. Narcissism may be the #1 term I see floated around online. Because of original sin, and apart from the work of Christ, we are all selfish. The presence of selfishness does not make someone a narcissist. It’s also tempting to look at extreme examples of narcissists for a definition; however, due to the widespread tendency for us to be selfish under the death we inherited through Adam (Romans 5), I see it way more helpful to define narcissism in the biblical category so it can be confronted in a Matthew 18 fashion and repented of. How can someone really repent of a personality disorder? The descriptor of the men who come in difficult times from 2 Timothy 3 sounds like a direct parallel for someone therapeutic language would describe as a narcissist. Not only that, who he preys on and ways to bolster oneself against his tactics.

Gaslighting: Deliberately making someone question their memory, perception, or judgment in order to maintain control or avoid responsibility.

Gaslighting reframed as a biblical category is lying, deception, and bearing false witness. In a culture of untethered empathy, dismissal of perception could fall under this, too. But do you see how difficult that is to pin down? Perception does not always equal reality. I think it’s easy to dismiss one another at mild levels, and we should make a patient effort to understand where the other person is coming from. Where gaslighting truly takes a dark turn is the deliberate twisting of reality to gain an advantage over a situation. The person who’s been gaslit needs to get their feet on the solid ground of reality again. That comes with truth, not more lies. Psalm 34:13 reads: “Guard your tongue from evil And your lips from speaking deceit.”

A few weeks ago I saw an example of this murky term. It was a reel of a guy who was intentionally gaslighting his supervisor over a Zoom call. During the meeting, he would take a drink of a White Claw and she called him out on it. He then pulled a Celsius can onto the screen, with the same exact color scheme, and acted like he hadn’t been drinking a White Claw. She said, “I could’ve sworn you were drinking a White Claw.” The meeting went on and he did it again. She says, “I know a White Claw when I see it!” He replies, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, this is a Celsius.”

Love-bombing: Overwhelming someone with excessive attention, affection, or gifts to gain influence or control over them, often with manipulative intent.

Love-bombing reframed as a biblical category is flattery, insincerity, or deceit with the intention for selfish gain. It’s not uncommon to see love-bombing at the beginning of a relationship. The sun and the stars have aligned to ignite and awaken love, often before the timing is right. It’s all on the love-bomber’s timeline and to the love-bomber’s own interest. Flattery isn’t given to bless and build; these are compliments given to set up a tactical advantage. It’s using the recipient. Psalm 12:2-3 warns against the flatterer. “They lie to one another; they speak with flattering lips and deceptive hearts. May the Lord cut off all flattering lips and the tongue that speaks boastfully.“

Triangulation: Drawing a third person into a conflict or relationship to manipulate perceptions, gain advantage, or control the flow of information between others.

Triangulation reframed as a biblical category is sowing discord, gossip, deceit, or spreading slander. Instead of talking to a person directly and reconciling the relationship, you involve a third party. In researching triangulation, the common example I saw was for one parent to bring a child into a disagreement. “Tell him I’m not speaking to him.” says the mom to her daughter, or “If she wants to tell me something, go tell your mom to get off her phone and tell me herself” says the father to his son. Either is putting the child in the middle of a conflict. Triangulation can also inappropriately use social pressure to manipulate an outcome. “Everybody thinks so. You need to just get on board with this.” Triangulation may also extend to a situation where two parties aren’t speaking directly to one another and a third person is acting as an interpreter; however, instead of working towards the two parties reconciling, the mediator then sows discord and strengthens the division. Going back to the family, this could be like one parent complaining to a child about the other parent, or a brother complaining to his brother about their sister. In any of these scenarios, the Bible calls us to be reconciled, whereas triangulation is like gossip whose goal is taking sides and continuing the war. Proverbs 16:28 says “A perverse man spreads strife, And a whisperer separates close companions.”

I mentioned Matthew 18 already in my comments about narcissism. We are given a biblical category to involve others in the process of church discipline. In this process, reconciliation is the goal, not control or working to gain advantage over a situation. Matthew 5:23-24 gives us a scenario that if you’re not reconciled with someone, you need to make it a priority. Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.”

Flipping the Script: Shifting blame or changing the narrative to portray oneself as the victim and the real victim as the wrongdoer, often to avoid accountability.

Flipping the script reframed as a biblical category is craftiness, blame-shifting, or dishonesty. The tell-tale sign of a script being flipped is when a response starts with “Well, what about…?” In truth, the “what about” may very well be a behavior that needs addressing; however, when it shifts the focus off the original person addressed, it’s a subtle move where this person’s need for change gets sidelined in an attempt to redirect to focus of the discourse. The archetypal example of this is the Fall in Genesis 3. And [God] said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” And the man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave to me from the tree, and I ate.”

This blame-shifting also occurs in Matthew 7 in the lesson of the log and the speck. Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. We would all be good to examine ourselves before we start trying to correct others. The blind cannot help the impaired.

Cold Shoulder: Withdrawing affection, attention, or communication to punish, control, or manipulate someone, rather than addressing issues honestly.

Cold shoulder reframed as a biblical category is unloving, resentment, contempt, bitterness, division, unforgiveness. It’s withholding love and refusing reconciliation and allowing the sun to go down on your anger. Maybe you’ve received “the silent treatment” before? This is a specific form of passive-aggressive manipulation that refuses to relate to and connect with someone due an unspoken offense. This unloving turning away from another person is weaponizing a relationship gap. The one giving the cold shoulder holds the other person hostage until they’ve become weak enough to give in and grant the manipulator what they want, even if it’s to the detriment of the one acquiescing. It’s refusing reconciliation. If we’ve been reconciled to God through the blood of Christ, who are we to punish another by withholding what God did not withhold from us? In 1 Corinthians 13:5, Paul instructs us that love does not keep a record of wrongs. If we do keep this record of wrongs, demanding to another they pay what they owe in relational transaction, Jesus warns us very directly in Matthew 18:21-35 that withholding forgiveness is an indicator we are not reconciled with God ourselves. This is extremely dangerous ground to be standing on and all the powers of hell would love to see you standing on that sinking sand as they drag you down into the pit at the end of the wide road. Who would want to stand in front of God and have Him tell you, “Pay what you owe”? Is there no fear of God in your eyes? Rather, Paul warns us in wisdom in Ephesians 4:26-27, “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.“ The devil would love the opportunity to wreck you and your entire household.

Projection: Attributing one’s own faults, motives, or wrong actions to someone else instead of acknowledging them in oneself.

Projection reframed as a biblical category is judging others, hypocrisy and self-deception. Projection can be especially disorienting because the person being manipulated is accused of behavior they aren’t doing, but that the person projecting is feeling. This might show up as someone who thinks everybody is a liar because they themselves are. Someone who is controlling might claim another is trying to control them. This is fairly common in politics where the loudest critics are guilty of the behavior they’re accusing others of, especially in emotionally charged uses of the word unloving. Matthew 7 and removing the log from your own eye before speck fishing in another’s eye is relevant with projection and judging others. Romans 2:1-4, Paul says “Therefore you are without excuse, O man, everyone who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. And we know that the judgment of God rightly falls upon those who practice such things. But do you presume this, O man—who passes judgment on those who practice such things and does the same—that you will escape the judgment of God? Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?“

Before we are too quick to get offended at hypocrisy, self-examination is appropriate. The Preacher says so in Ecclesiastes 7:21-22. Also, do not give your heart to all words which are spoken, so that you will not hear your slave cursing you. For your heart also knows that you likewise have many times cursed others.

Enabling: Allowing or supporting harmful behavior by excusing, covering up, or preventing natural consequences, often out of misplaced compassion or fear.

Enabling reframed as a biblical category is being complicit in sin, or allowing sin. Fear of man could come into play, as well, when you care more about what another person thinks than what God does. Then we’re getting into idolatry. Remember as we get lost in these murky terms of manipulation, it’s difficult to put your finger on what’s necessary for repentance and change. How do you correct enabling other than saying, “Stop enabling him/her”? Enabling is a failure to call someone to repentance. There’s no holding the light up to another. Recall the weight of glory and how the backs of the proud will be broken. Not only are we helping a person stay in sin when we enable them, God will hold the enabler accountable. Ezekiel 3:18 says, “If I say to the wicked person, ‘You will surely die,’ but you do not warn him—you don’t speak out to warn him about his wicked way in order to save his life—that wicked person will die for his iniquity. Yet I will hold you responsible for his blood.”

Boundaries: Clear limits set to protect one’s emotional, physical, or spiritual well-being and maintain healthy relationships.

Boundaries reframed as a biblical category is stewardship, wisdom, love, and guarding your heart. In the ancient world, cities were protected with walls. Without walls, the cities and its citizens were vulnerable and susceptible to attacks from foreign invaders and enemies. Proverbs 25:28 even draws the parallel with an unrestrained spirit and broken boundaries. ^“A man who does not control his temper is like a city whose wall is broken down.“ It’s not difficult to connect the dots that losing our temper isn’t a virtue, so neither is a lack of boundaries. Stewardship is the taking care of what God has entrusted to you, and we ought to make every effort to do this in wisdom.

Where these boundaries go wrong is when empathy doesn’t have a boundary. It’s unrestrained, untethered, and runs amuck. It’s like if someone is stuck in a whirlpool and you jump in with both feet to help them and get pulled down into the water yourself. A boundary is a life preserver with a rope on it. Keeping your relationships rightly ordered, with God as your center and the solid rock you keep your feet on, based on the wisdom of His Word in the Bible, will go a long way to helping you steward relationships well in truth and love. When we elevate our own wisdom over trusting in Hod’s is where these boundaries start getting weak and fuzzy. “Guard your heart above all else,
for it is the source of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

Codependency: An unhealthy reliance on approval or control from others that compromises personal boundaries and spiritual freedom.

Codependency reframed as a biblical category is idolatry or fear of man. Codependency is like many of the other terms here that have become vague to the point of being unhelpful. Maybe you “care too much” or have “poor boundaries.” Can you continue to care for another person or speak into their lives without feeling like your world falls apart when they without their approval or give active and pointed disapproval? Do you let other people’s opinions of you control you? This is putting someone else in the driver seat of who you are. You’re placing security and safety in the opinion of someone other than God. The first of the Ten Commandments is “You shall have no other gods before Me” (Exodus 20:3) If you’re in Christ, you are secure, no matter what anyone else may do or say. While this isn’t quite scriptural language, and I’m on the edge of violating my own principle here, codependency could also be a savior-complex where it’s completely up to you to rescue someone out of a circumstance. In that sense, it’s trying to be God and do what only He can do. That would be borderline blasphemy, but that might be a stretch. In fear of man or trying to save someone, you may also shield them from consequences of their own sin so they can avoid accountability. All of this is a lack of faith and shows a person is not trusting in Christ, and by not building their house in the rock, they are building it on sinking sand (Matthew 7:24-27). This may be a tough pill to swallow if you resonate with codependency and fear of man, but Paul has some hard words about who we have ultimate fear of in Galatians 1:10. “For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a slave of Christ.”

Avoidant: A pattern of withdrawing from people, responsibilities, or emotional engagement in order to escape discomfort, conflict, or vulnerability.

Avoidant reframed as a biblical category is fear of man, lovelessness, cowardice, or slothfulness. There’s a problem that seriously needs to be address but the avoidant personality just doesn’t want to deal with it so they go on like life is normal. It’s a fake peace that pretends there’s no conflict. Avoidant behavior goes right alongside passive-aggressive behavior and cold-shouldering. These all combine into a mind-bending perception altering manipulation that truly keeps sins in the shadows. It may feel safe but what’s left in the dark remains in the dark. John calls us to walk in the light as He is in the light. Then we’ll have fellowship with God and one another. (1 John 1:5-10) This is going to take bravery. It doesn’t mean, “Just stop being afraid.” It’s going to take an active trust in Christ and His work to put one step in front of the other to collect five smooth stones even when there’s a giant calling down blasphemies. This fear, though, it’s a trap. “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” (Proverbs 29:25) According to Paul’s second letter to Timothy, fear is also not the life what been called to. 2 Timothy 1:7 — “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

Victim mentality: A persistent mindset that sees oneself primarily as a victim of others’ actions rather than taking responsibility or seeking healing.

Victim mentality reframed as a biblical category could be a lack of faith, self-pity, or fear. This is one I want to tread very lightly on because there is a difference between being a victim, which does not need any reframing, and victim mentality. A victim mentality can be seen from a couple angles. One is self-pity that keeps the personal responsibility at arm’s length by staying stuck in self-pity. Another form will seek to leverage injustices to gain leverage or control over a situation. Whereas actual victimhood can seek justice while seeking refuge from the wrong and healing from the hurt and shame in the strong tower of the name of the Lord (Proverbs 18:10). Verses like Isaiah 1:16-18 are helpful for the distinction.

“Wash yourselves, purify yourselves;
Remove the evil of your deeds from before My eyes.
Cease to do evil,
Learn to do good;
Seek justice,
Reprove the ruthless,
Execute justice for the orphan,
Plead for the widow.

“Come now, and let us reason together,”
Says Yahweh,
“Though your sins are as scarlet,
They will be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They will be like wool.”

In this passage, we see the call for justice and reproof to the ruthless. Other translations render ruthless as oppressor. This even provides a category for being an advocate for others and standing up for what’s right.

I don’t want to minimize or dismiss what any genuine victims have gone through. I asked ChatGPT for a little extra help on this distinction and I think it nailed them to where we can see a very clear difference.

• True Victimhood — Scripture fully acknowledges the reality of people being sinned against, harmed, or oppressed (Psalm 10:17-18; Luke 10:30-37). God is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) and calls His people to protect and care for victims of injustice (Isaiah 1:17).

• Victim Mentality — A hardened mindset that remains in the identity of “wounded” long after the wound, using it as a lens for life, a shield from responsibility, or a means to manipulate relationships. This is not about suffering itself, but about rejecting God’s redemptive path out of it.

Though it’s more of a cultural term than a therapeutic term, I’ve seen “Cry Bully” come to light. This is a form of the victim mentality that is weaponized to manipulate another person. It’s where self-pity is used for control or an attack. It’s outward weakness mixed with hidden aggression, making for a particularly powerful mix of manipulation. This would fall under hypocrisy, slander, or even deception. Micah 6:8 is another classic text for walking in wisdom here.

He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does Yahweh require of you
But to do justice, to love lovingkindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?

Denial: Refusing to acknowledge reality or truth about a behavior or situation, blocking necessary change or repentance.

Denial reframed as a biblical category is hardness of heart, suppressing the truth, or unbelief. When evidence is brought before someone in denial, they reject the truth for a lie. This could either be a manipulation or a way to deal with something that has been done to the person where the shame is great. In the hands of evil, denial is really flat out lying. Romans 1:17-18 warns “For God’s wrath is revealed from heaven against all godlessness and unrighteousness of people who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth, since what can be known about God is evident among them, because God has shown it to them.” As I said before, people do terrible things. I don’t want to be in denial about that. I’m sympathetic to those who have suffered great evil at the hands of others. Gentle and present love is necessary to help that person bring that evil out of the shadows and into the light where Christ can heal it. This is the opportunity to come as you are, empty handed except for the shame of sin (whether it be yours or another’s), and bring your burdens to Christ. In doing this, we act like Peter, bringing our shame to the Lord. In avoiding the light, we act like Judas, dealing with it in our own way. I know that is hard to hear but I promise that doesn’t end well. We need one another’s encouragement to seek the Lord in our day to day. Watch out, brothers, so that there won’t be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart that departs from the living God. But encourage each other daily, while it is still called today, so that none of you is hardened by sin’s deception. (Hebrews 3:12-13)

Enmeshment: Losing individual identity by being overly involved in another’s emotions or problems, blurring healthy relational lines.

Enmeshment reframed as a biblical category is idolatry, fear of man, and poor stewardship. It’s living outside of God’s revealed relational design. When you start to lose yourself into someone else’s problems, it’s like a relational form of drunkenness where you’re no longer able to practice self-control. Something, or in the case of enmeshment someone, is at the wheel. You’re not able to keep one foot on solid ground while being swept up in someone else’s problems. The other person becomes the shifting sands your life is built upon. This may come from untethered and excessive empathy, where carrying each others burdens is preventing someone of attempting to carry their own load (Galatians 6:2,5). Enmeshment ensnares you to another person, controlled by the fear of what they may or may not do without you, and becomes a barrier to obeying the Lord and trusting the situation to His hands. Are you willing to cross lines or walk out of God’s ways for the sake of someone else? You may be enmeshed in idolatry and fear of man. We’re called to love the Lord above all, even those closest to us. Jesus’ words in Matthew 10:37 are “The person who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; the person who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.”

Hoovering: Attempting to suck someone back into a harmful relationship or dynamic through promises, guilt, or charm after a period of distance or separation.

Hoovering reframed as a biblical category is deceit, control, and false repentance. This was a new term for me, but it came upon in my research. It’s like a combination of behaviors from enmeshment and love-bombing. It’s essentially an invitation back into a controlling relationship after they’ve lashed out at your or ghosted you. The charm may come through love-bombing, the guilt may come from how bad they feel now that you’re free of their influence, and how incomplete their life is without you. It’s a call back to familiarity, but it’s not looking out for your best interest. It’s self-interest and self-love. It’s a lack of finding satisfaction in God alone and looking to find it in controlling another person. In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus says, “Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.“ In the words of a manipulator guilty of hoovering, he says, “Come to me, for I am weary and need rest. Take my yolk upon you and relieve my burdens, because I was a jerk and needy and can’t live without you. You will be my rest, for you are soft-hearted and my burden is heavy.”

Guilt-tripping: Using someone’s sense of guilt or responsibility to manipulate their feelings and actions for personal gain.

Guilt-tripping reframed as a biblical category is condemnation, guilt, and shame. It’s using the power of sin against someone to get them to do what you want them to. Instead of motivating a person by the grace of God and work of Jesus’ on the cross and how that redemption is active in their lives, it’s reminding them of the sin and debt it calls for. One of the names for the devil in the bible is The Accuser. This is literally what the name satan means: accuser or adversary. Condemnation will often be accompanied by absolute statements like you always do this or you never do that. It’s immature and will result to name calling, as opposed to reminding another that in Christ, we have been called to a life that is higher. Yet, now there is no condemnation for those who are in Jesus Christ (Romans 8:1). There is no gentle restoration with one foot on a solid rock (Galatians 6:1). To leverage forgiven guilt against another is literally in league with the devil and utilizing his powers. Accusation and manipulation and all of these things we’ve discussed are wielding dark forces to make someone act under your control instead of allowing the Lord to work in their lives and trust the results to Him.

It’s almost fitting that we would end with guilt-tripping. This is all very heavy, and as I just mentioned, we are better to set our eyes on the golden horizon of the life and purpose the Lord has for us than the lesser loves we settle for. We settle for manipulation and mediocrity, shame and shadows, instead of real life and genuine relationships. To provide that vision, I’m calling on my dear friend.

The Armory

If you start to evaluate, at one level or another, we’re ALL guilty of some of these behaviors.

If you have been guilty of any of these sins? Repent to God and the person you’ve sinned against.

If someone you know has been guilty of these sins? Pray to God for a heart of restoration, search your own heart of any malice, and go to the person in love and tell them they have sinned against the Lord and another.

Repent. Turn around. Change course. Whether it’s you or someone you love, ask God to shed his holy light.

In the cross of Christ, our sin is paid for. In the resurrection of Christ, we have hope for new life.

I’m not sure who originally said this, though it seems to be widely attributed to Billy Graham. “The ground is level at the foot of the cross.” Whoever said it, the sentiment echoes the biblical truth “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”

The hope of the gospel is redemption from sin and reconciliation with God and each other. It’s not perpetual grievance. We are not stuck in our sin. In Christ, we have hope. We are not our sin and its chains do not have dominion over us as they once did.

It would be like if we were bitten by a vampire which changed us into a vampire ourselves. Then, when daybreak created the horizon and we are exposed to the sun, only the vampirism was burned away, leaving us healed.

In bringing sin into the light, do not forget that we bear the weight of each other’s glory and the backs of the proud will be broken.

Dropping Anchor

That’s a lot. Here is the Hope.

Repent and believe in Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins.

He is a redeemer who takes what was meant for evil and turns it for good.

Yet, how are we exercising that hope when we have more faith in the safety of shadows? By shadows, I mean our way of defining terms instead of the timeless wisdom of God. Nothing like saying, “Thanks God, but I’ve got this. Your language is too outdated to deal with the complex relationship dynamics of our modern day.” We welcome shadows at our peril as we give footholds to the dark.

All of this is really just an entry point. I hope it’s enough to start clearing the fog for you, or equip you to start doing the fog clearing on your own. That’s intrinsic motivation and ability instead of depending on another. That will also help free you from the powers of manipulation. The Christian life is not an isolated “Jesus and me” walk, but there may be seasons He’s the only one you can be safe with. Scripture truly is a magnificent resource. Am I a mental health professional? No, but we have something better than the DSM-5.

All Scripture is God-breathed and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be equipped, having been thoroughly equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16)

Thanks for hanging on for such a long journey this week.

Stay Anchored and keep fighting the good fight,

~ J.P. Simons ⚓️

Below Deck: A Deep Dive

This has already been a longer than usual issue, so I’m going to drop a music video here for those weary of relational strain and strife.

Whether you have been manipulated or a manipulator, the answer is the same. Come to Christ as you are. Lay down your burdens, your shame, your sin. He is the way, the truth, and the life. He is the fountain of living water that will slake the thirst of your empty soul.