Boundaries and the Big Open Sea

When Boundaries Get Pushed

The moment came before I was ready. I recently gave my son his first pocket knife. He’s been asking for one for years. There have been a few practice runs but I didn’t feel like I could trust him to take care of the knife and use it responsibly. That’s played a part in my slow response. We give our kids small tests, like boundaries, and those lines are often pushed. Have you been here?

You give your children some freedom. Maybe they earned it or maybe you’re giving them a short tether to see how they do. Then, what result have you seen?

A pastor friend of mine used to say “With obedience comes blessings and with disobedience comes cursings.” Now, we’re not talking about the sailor talk kind of cursings here, but rather a reaping what you sow kind of cursing. In the extreme, if you sow crimes, you reap prison. In the worst case, one may come to love the prison cell because it’s meals and shelter and lots of time to do bodyweight exercises. Not the ideal boundaries I want my son to aim for.

One way or another, we’re steering this ship of our home life and culture. Dad, you’re the master and commander of the H.M.S. Insert Your Home Address Here. One way or another, for better or for worse, you’re leading and setting the tone.

And how we set the tone of our conversation around boundaries will have an affect on how our sons respond.

Helms and Crucibles

If you have kids, you know they don’t like being told what they can’t do. Oh, there’s some weird ones out there that that are compliment every step of the way, but that’s not necessarily a good thing either. They either want to steer the helm of their own ship or have someone do it for them. The problem is they’re not ready and we know it.

What are we aiming for in our parenting?

There is some mud in the water as to who originally said this quote, but with a little bit of research I believe I can give the correct attribution.

Our sons are not built for confines but for the open world. They are built to take dominion and work the earth. They are built to be the spearhead out into the wilderness, the sea, the industry. Unfortunately, all of those things are against him. There will be resistance along the way and it will fight against his efforts in the extreme. On top of that, he will fight against himself. He will have to overcome his emotions, his fears, his laziness, his irresponsibility, his abdication, and his misdirected stubbornness.

If you’re anything like me, there have been many conversations delivered as lectures. Heck, I’ve even used a lecture as a threat of discipline. “If you cross that line, you’re going to have to hear a lecture about it.” Time to abandon that ship.

That kind of talk isn’t going to inspire any son to go out into the world and win. It’ll only train him to avoid loss. Unfortunately, sometimes you have to lose to win. Loss aversion will keep us all in harbor.

We have to give our sons a crucible. A training ground. Will it be everything we wish we could give them? Probably not. Our resources and abilities are limited. Our skills are limited, often by our own making, but that can’t stop us. Dads, we are already at the helm of our ship and we have to show our sons the way. We have to let them get a feel for the helm in their own hands while splashing about in a kiddie pool. If we don’t, they won’t know what to do with it when they suddenly find themselves at their own helm.

While doing all of this, we have to inspire and not lecture so we don’t turn our sons into shipwrecks themselves.

Have you tried reframing the conversation? Here’s what I mean.

Prepare and Inspire

Whether it’s a pocket knife or how far they away from home they can roam or the way they speak, there is a blessing in the boundary. Help your son see the benefit.

This is the conversation we recently had with our son and he glowed while we talked about it, even though he knew he had done wrong and violated his boundaries.

Buddy, one day you’re going to leave this home. You’re going to go out on your own into the world and you’re going to have to survive on your own.

There are some people who are happy to simply survive. They would be content to live in a small room for the rest of their lives as long as they had food, water, and access to the internet. We want you to thrive.

In order for you to thrive in the world, you need to learn how to govern yourself. We want you to have big giant boundaries, but until you can operate in smaller ones you won’t be ready for the bigger ones.

So, we’re pulling back your boundaries for an amount of time. Show us you can work well in that boundary, and your borders will grow. If you keep violating the boundary, it will continue to shrink.

Like I said, one day you’re going to leave this home. If you go from a small boundary all the sudden to a wide boundary, you’re going to sink when you get out there. We have to prep you for it, but you won’t be ready when it comes time if you keep crossing your boundaries. We want you to have the biggest and widest boundaries ever, but that much freedom won’t be good if you don’t know what to do with it.

A word of caution as you look at your son’s responsibility and boundaries. You may not feel ready for it but you know you have to increase it in order for him to be tested.

It was time to give him the pocket knife. Yes, I was having flashbacks to his more angry and destructive moments. I had also allowed him to carry a knife while we went camping and he learned how to use it. He had been through the training grounds but I wasn’t ready to expand the boundary. The knife is a small example but in this case, I was choosing the small cabin room instead of the wide open sea. For both of our sakes, the knife I’d allowed him to carry before had to be passed into his possession.

Our children will not be home forever. We have to train them to bring a dominion of good into this world. The mandate is to expand the garden of Eden to the ends of the earth, that all the lands and waters and wildlife and people of this world may flourish and sing the satisfying songs of God’s glory.

How we talk about that with our sons and their role in it will make all the difference to how they carry themselves when they leave the harbor of our home and sail out into the world on their own.

Talk to y’all in two weeks.

~ J.P. Simons

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